tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72165382208892531972024-03-13T15:24:23.085-07:00Wandering StarsA blog about my life. As simple as that.Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-52945724476745002172010-11-20T19:57:00.000-08:002010-11-20T20:21:37.881-08:00Life is just slapping me in the face. BRING IT.<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>As I sit here at my desk i'm currently having 'girl time' by myself. Doing my make-up, hair, making sure I look flawless. Why you ask? Though i'm not going to or trying to impress anyone, it makes me feel better, raises my confidence, and ego-BOOST if you will. <div><br /></div><div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpyrfBwFebm_DnYr6f-mre1rlw0m13YjK1yw-SK6fNWSWjz16Ym9DSXQ9XcrgSJOeuza1T-fP-Tn6q-x_v9efupFVXqIaVGLD2dJWls31Q7UYveoHIpxC3NHzPrT2azz4NLuaf-rmQQ/s200/Infant-Eye-Contact.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 134px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541851932522779058" /><div><br /></div><div>I forgot to mention, My middle oldest sister, Amanda, who got married at 22 and is now 25 years old, is finally pregnant! The child is due May 27th. I am over whelmed with excitement for this, I will finally by an Aunt and I can't wait to spoil that kid and be known as the 'cool' aunt. The Aunt the child can call if they end up in jail or has a problem and instead of contacting the parents first in fear of being torn a part mentally, I could be there and help them. Form a bond of trust and make this so-called 'family' an actual family, slowly but surely. When I say 'so-called family' I am speaking of my entire family. We have never been close since the divorce between my parents happened when I was 10, even before that it was still a little shaky and no one was really understanding or there for you with a level head when you needed it. </div><div><br /></div><div>That is the first slap, that I will be an Auntie. </div><div><br /></div><div>The next slap in the face is that I haven't quit smoking cigarettes yet. I'm trying so hard but it is mind boggling how much i'm actually addicted to these cancer sticks, though I have been smoking for 5 years straight. </div><div><br /></div><div>The final slap is that NOW, my temp job at AIS has ended...so I am jobless again. Hopefully on Monday they can find me another job quickly. There is so much I need to buy before I can go see my Love, Matt, for New Years. I mean, I only own 3 long sleeve shirts, a few jackets but no coats, not shoes for snow and Michigan has tons of snow. So even if I can afford my 150 dollar ticket, I won't be able to go unless I can buy the right clothes. It has stressed me out beyond belief. Like my heart needs any more stress, but fine, i'll be okay, i'll figure something out to this life that keeps smacking me in the face. I always do. So Bring it on life, i'm ready to jump back in to your game of tragedy and heart ache..but what comes from tragedy, can be always be something amazing and astonishing. </div><div> </div></div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-7662067085246470702010-11-17T21:49:00.000-08:002010-11-17T21:55:24.152-08:00Things are looking up.Well it has been quite sometime blog.<div><br /></div><div>I finally have a job doing data entry. It is a long and boring job but it pays well and at least I don't have to deal with customers! :D I'm happy again, or let my re-phrase that, i'm CONTENT. I have the next year planned out and it is looking to be great. This New Years, if everything goes right, i'll be with my love in Michigan for two to three weeks. Then, when I return to Texas, i'll enroll in college and it will take me 9 months be come a medical assistant. Once I get my career on the roll i'll save up and then move to Michigan and work up there, to finally be closer to my dream come true man. Then and only then, will I be truly happy with my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>He really does mean everything to me. I've never felt such happiness and this new found feeling of "true love" with someone before, I can honestly say that true love is real. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-83767045306474059322010-10-26T19:50:00.000-07:002010-10-26T19:58:08.120-07:00Just say it.So, I haven't written in a while, I know. <div><br /></div><div>To the people that skim across my blog, I apologize for the depressing mess of posts below this one but I want to be honest, so therefore, I was and will continue to be. </div><div><br /></div><div>The past week i've been excited about this one job that I have came in to, but now, this week, i'm desperately trying to find a different job. The job I have is only going to give me, MAYBE, 8 hours a WEEK. Um, excuse me, but that is a waste of my time and my energy for 80 bucks a week. I am supposed to go in on Sunday, aka Halloween for two hours, so I am trying to get a different job before then. On top of that, their strict 'clothes' policy is hard to follow because I don't own a plain white button down collared shirt and I can't find any of those shirts, anywhere. It is frustrating to me. The only reason I am getting a job or frantically searching for one is because I desperately want to go see my Matt for New Years Eve and finally have a New Years Eve kiss from a person I love with my mind, heart, and spirit. </div><div><br /></div><div>Moving on to a better, less - stressful note. I have been doing amazing with controlling my depression and anxiety. Also, i'm smoking less cigarettes and should be quitting completely soon. Which I am excited about because I want to be healthy and be around for years to come. Also, my face will stay pretty. :D</div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, I know that sounds conceded but you have to have some confidence in your looks or no one will see the true beauty you have. Confidence in a person makes them attractive. It is a FACT. </div><div><br /></div><div>Well i'm done for now. ~~~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-55010084152199411512010-10-12T21:07:00.000-07:002010-10-12T21:15:52.173-07:00So let's see...So i'm trying to focus, so as I was sitting alone tonight I realized what is really wrong with me. I have separation anxiety and fear of failing. It causes me to be an insomniac and is having my moods come crashing down when i'm not talking to someone or when i'm alone. Though, I've started to have a fear of getting a job. It is strange and I hate it, its not like me so i'm trying to think positive. I have to, I need to stay focused on my goals ahead in life and I want to make my love proud. Not annoyed.<div><br /></div><div>Anyways, on a better note, I caught up on my shows today. :]</div><div>Which I love watching my shows, I would tell you all of them but there are to many. Also, i'm listening to the music video channel...why is it I can't really understand Jamaicans? In Rap music, unless they are actually singing. Haha well I don't have much to report on and this is just a boring post tonight but I felt I had to write. </div><div><br /></div><div>So until later ~~~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-82255364183762993342010-10-10T18:19:00.001-07:002010-10-10T18:30:20.450-07:00Okay, LETS DO THIS.Alright, i've finally stepped back and had a chance to talk to a few of my friends who understand me completely. Today is the first day that i've not cried, not just sat in bed. I think my depression streak of the year is gone. Thank you to Raquel especially who understands I go through this at least once a year and always is so positive and happy for me, as I am for her. With just coming over and talking to me yesterday, helped me extremely. <div><br /></div><div>Today I went out and got applications to places and also applied online to some places. I'm in a focused phase now to get a job, work my ass off and set up my college for the spring. What also helped was Matt has been talking to me once a day, even if its just a "hey whats up gorgeous?" Of course I am the one that calls him, but at least he picks up. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have healthy weight loss shakes now and also i'm taking a supplement called "Super B-Complex". Its to help "Energy Metabolism" aka it is naturally supposed to help my depression. I took one today and it made me feel better, also because i've made a plan/goal. Wanna hear it? Well here it goes...</div><div><br /></div><div>In the next few weeks i'll get a job and set up my college. Like a good girl should. Once I have that settled i'll bust ass at the job and save up as much as I can and after Christmas, i'll fly up to see Matt for a few weeks before School starts. Seeing him will give me that motivation to do my best in school because he brings the best out in me and I like to think I bring the best out in him, or so his friends have told me constantly when I was there for the summer.</div><div><br /></div><div>If I keep my head on straight and focused, I should be successful at this. </div><div><br /></div><div>Even if he doesn't come down the first week in December, i'll understand because he really does have money trouble until February. Besides, that just means i'll make him come see me on my 21st birthday in April. Or on his birthday in March for spring break. Ha. I'm content for now, also i'm trying to quit smoking. But with this new found motivation, I think I can do this. All of it. If I don't, I don't know what will happen.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want to touch him again, I want his lips on mine, I want his body against mine, I want his rants about life to ring through my ears again, that want and desire and passion and longing is what drives me for now.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until the next post ~~~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-12938663398309498602010-10-08T23:44:00.000-07:002010-10-08T23:52:24.110-07:00It's becoming more clear...All of today I was in depression mode. I weighed myself and it was at 109 lbs. I went from 115 to 109 with out barely any food. Now I just need to work out so that my body doesn't collapse on me. However, I'm still stressed to the max but i'm slowly becoming myself again. <div><br /></div><div>I took a long hot bath to clear my head and think about everything and I've finally realized that i just need to do what I need to do. Work until i'm able to go to college and finally have my life organized. Which I will do. Matt will either follow by my side or he will continue to show lack of interest in communicating with me when we are apart. Its time to focus on me for the moment though this is hard with my depression but i'm trying to think positive again, trying to bring my old self back and show everyone that the 'real' Amber is still here and as positive and happy to help in any way I can. Its how I survive. I guess I just got depressed because I want him to be by my side, I see other couples all the time, on facebook, on the streets, on TV, and I just wish for once I could have a relationship that is equal in the way they love each other and obsess over each other. He is my world but he hasn't really acknowledge that I am his. </div><div><br /></div><div>Either way I want him, I want him in my life and future and i'll do anything I have to do to achieve that. Until he gets annoyed with me but Amber's back...i'll go to work tomorrow with a smile on my face and continue the next couple of months putting things in order. When I think positive, things that make me happy happen. So i'm forcing myself out there, to be a positive thinker.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until tomorrow ~~~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-7594067281569391542010-10-07T19:18:00.000-07:002010-10-07T19:30:59.983-07:00Time to blurr my reality once again.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgGe76iHfpwhvN_GZUIuxoiThk_Ff9k5bJMTNwYQ6m86ojkz1wm4WIMPAlKvLWIMnBaHs6ustQ-QLfQvgzO7FwLYl1Ht4-ww9LkZFqqH40yM7H-34eGgDIhZ9_YuA0vcVUKz_uIuGmQ/s1600/you.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgGe76iHfpwhvN_GZUIuxoiThk_Ff9k5bJMTNwYQ6m86ojkz1wm4WIMPAlKvLWIMnBaHs6ustQ-QLfQvgzO7FwLYl1Ht4-ww9LkZFqqH40yM7H-34eGgDIhZ9_YuA0vcVUKz_uIuGmQ/s200/you.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525495589983607378" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYWorzbWAHawZ68s7oz_Ui83zMctAppNdO8u3FfjqmeLXZgnTLK0djAFoRsYFUEF62YaR2WFXaRWrMFHkv4OOtPEspjCR03vYhQ8tRjeOb9sEM1TFeHcmBdKzTbP63GnAv7-SY6bUU_Q/s1600/you3.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYWorzbWAHawZ68s7oz_Ui83zMctAppNdO8u3FfjqmeLXZgnTLK0djAFoRsYFUEF62YaR2WFXaRWrMFHkv4OOtPEspjCR03vYhQ8tRjeOb9sEM1TFeHcmBdKzTbP63GnAv7-SY6bUU_Q/s320/you3.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525494230657306786" /></a>Well here I am, waiting for a call that I highly doubt will come. I wrote my heart out on a letter to my love and sent it a few days ago. He should have it today, I just want him to tell me he got it. Thats all. its 10:21 where he is now so I figure i'll call him at 11 if he hasn't called by then. <div><br /></div><div>The picture I took today of me smoking is the beginning of my night tonight. I've poured another glass of some rum and coke and am thinking of downing some pills again. But i'm writing this first before I become unable to type correctly. I know these posts recently have been depressing but that is what i've been, depressed and everyone knows it. My own mother told me today that something was wrong with me, that a light in my eyes was out and that there must be something really wrong with me. Which she is right. Just look at the picture above. There is something broken and off in my eyes.</div><div><br /></div><div>My friend talked to me tonight and is trying to help me out with my situation. She made me feel a little better but all in all, i'm scared. I'm scared shit-less. I don't want to loose him. I fear I might soon...</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, I came up with a plan for now. I'll work until he visits in December and get my college set up. Then i'll work my ass off in college for the spring semester and then with the money left over from student loans and financial aid i'll go live with him for the summer then come back for the fall semester. If only time would hurry...because I think I might need physiological help before I take a BIG turn for the worse. I don't know why i'm this way or acting this way, never in my life have I acted this way...I really wish someone could help me and find out the medical term for what the fuck my brain is making me do to my body and emotions and just help me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Until tomorrow ~~~</div><div><br /></div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-55624618509431072792010-10-06T21:22:00.001-07:002010-10-06T21:38:07.674-07:00I feel like i'm getting weaker...and weaker...All i've been doing the past few weeks wrapping my emotions up in to alcohol and anxiety pills. Its my coping mechanism for the lack of communication the love of my life has for me. Tonight, I haven't taken any pills or drank yet. On top of that I have barely eaten anything in about a week or two. I feel so weak..I know its my own fault for not eating but I feel like an option in his life, not a priority and I want a loving relationship where he is my priority and I am his.<div><br /></div><div>I just don't know what to do or say. He listen's only when we are face to face and that won't happen again until December...hopefully. I am finding myself not able to sleep with out drinking alcohol and taking those pills..so on top of everything I think my body is slowly dieing but the odd thing is..i'm very content with that. </div><div><br /></div><div>See I have no fear of death, I just fear the way I will come to death.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm trying to wrap my head around my loneliness and how a long distance relationship can work, since I have seen it work time and time again with others. Why is mine so different? I've come to the conclusion that the 'man' I love has not yet become a man and still is in the teen boy phase. He blames bills and money issues but that has nothing to do with communication. There is always a phone and a number and someone to answer. I haven't really ranted or told anybody all of this because then people around me might start to worry and I can't have anyone worry about me. Its my job to worry about others, or so my instincts tell me. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't think this man knows how much I love him and I doubt he will ever read this, nay, I doubt anyone will ever read this who actually knows me so i'm not scared to write it on here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'll just keep to this blog but in the real world, i'll keep to myself..I can't stop smoking, drinking, pills, not eating, but i'll continue all of this and still go to work until my body just finally gives out...thats my plan. I can't live when I know the love of my life only thinks of my as an option because I live so far away, but I don't want to break up with him [And I would die if he broke up with me] because I want him as mine and he will continue to be mine so long as he will have me....its such a complicated mess...that my mind and body can not overcome with out him by my side....</div><div><br /></div><div>until tomorrow ~~~~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-11114609906293577722010-10-05T20:58:00.000-07:002010-10-05T21:21:06.896-07:00Another sleepless night..So i'm currently sitting at Jessica's parents house out in the middle of no where with Jessica. We are drinkin alcoholic beverages and taking pictures, our favorite past time. In fact, I've been drinking every night for the past two weeks. For some reason I have not been able to sleep. I've had to even take night cold medicine just to sleep. <div><br /></div><div>Anyways, earlier today I had my first day of work. I won't tell you where but its a clothing store. Just normal boring same old things and i'm only working part time. Though to tell you the truth i'm only working there so I can afford to have Matt come down to see me. I miss him terribly. Maybe thats why I can't sleep? Who knows. </div><div><br /></div><div>The day has seemed to drag on forever and i'm a little tipsy at the moment. Jessica is on the laptop next to me, uploading video's and pictures we just took. I got to talk to my love on the phone for a little bit...actually i'm supposed to call him back right now....HOLD THE PRESSES. </div><div><br /></div><div>Okay so I just called him. He was extremely sleepy so we didn't talk for that long though there is a question i've been dyeing to ask him. That question was "What do you want? Between us I mean. In the long run, in the now, what do you want?" Thats what I want to ask and I want a true response. Because sometimes I feel like i'm out of the loop with him because he is so far away. About 2,000 miles away to be more exact. It makes me want to cry because I don't know what he wants...I know what I want. I want him, I want to see him every few months and then one day move up there and be closer to him. I mean i'm going to college for him to start my career, so that I can be there for him. I know he needs and I hope he wants me....i'm just so exhausted not knowing what he wants..</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyways, thats all I want to type for now.</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-34892354698468959392010-10-04T20:46:00.000-07:002010-10-04T20:53:31.192-07:00Just another day...Today I went to an interview and ended up getting the job. Which is great, but I have no life. This new job is my life and my off time is going to be reading books and sitting here writing blogs. <div><br /></div><div>I'm upset at the fact that my own love, my own boyfriend doesn't ever call me. So I have decided not to call him until he calls me or until I get my cell phone turned back on. He is my only friend, my best friend that I can talk to and yet, he isn't here. Its killing me inside. But thats who he is and I love him anyway....even though I cry often at night because he doesn't make any effort to make sure i'm okay or whatever..so i'm just going to stop posting on facebook and see if he reaches out to me. It seems i'm the one that has to start the conversation and I don't find it fair. My heart and soul is not complete with out him. </div><div><br /></div><div>I sometimes just want to disappear and die. However, I think everyone has those thoughts and never act on them. However, i'm seriously considering it. </div><div><br /></div><div>For now, I must push on...</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-45978545824095279312010-10-03T20:10:00.001-07:002010-10-03T20:26:07.366-07:00The future is fuzzy but the past is so clear.Hello again, my blog.<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>It has been a while. I met the love of my life, Matt and it all went well. I ended up staying in Michigan for two months instead of two weeks. It was fantastic, until the end. I didn't want to leave him and I still regret coming back to Texas, away from the man that has my heart and head. The one that makes everything better.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I only came back home because I was offered a good job deal. Once I came back, that failed. Now, I still have no job and am desperately filling out applications and going to interviews. I have an interview tomorrow at a clothes retail store and I should get the job, I better get the job. It seems when I have the next few years of my life planned out, it always gets fucked up. Such a fucking spiral. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I want this job so that I can get Matt to visit me here in Texas for a week, even if I have to pay for half his plane ticket. He has a free place to stay and he said he's all for it and I hope that true. Its hard being away from him, from a person I never got annoyed with and never could stop loving or looking at him. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I'll start college in the spring, aka January. Towards becoming an Ultrasound Technician. It should only take two years if I go full time. I want to bust through this college and training so that in the end I can finally live in the same city as my love. I feel a little crazy for being this obsessed but I have never met a man like him in my life and he is my everything. I would do anything for him. Maybe I shouldn't have him have so much lee-way with me but I just can't help it. I don't want to loose him. I don't want to be dumped, I want to slowly start my life and I feel my instincts saying to me to never let him go. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>I just wish I could win or whine up with loads of cash and everything work its course. I keep asking for a sign and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I just need to just keep pushing on, making money, continuing to bother Matt with my calls and texts and facebook status's. </div><div>There is a fear in me that I may be driving him away...always a fear he will disappear...maybe I am looking in to this to much, I should stop and relax. He says he loves me and will "Always Love" me. I have to trust him and take his words to heart. Therefore, I can be better, motivated, and just stay positive that he will always be there for me, just like i'll always be there for him.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now to my friends. Jessica and I have become good friends again but she lives in San Marcos which is a 30 minute drive away. Rocki and me talk off and on and see each other occasionally and well Hayley has her own problems and goes to bars and there was also drama at her house considering me , david, josie, and other people. I don't deal with drama and its just sad. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have no one except my own mother to talk to. I don't want to make new friends because they always drag me down and I always play 'momma' because I care to much for people and have to help. Maybe it is better just having Matt and some of my family to talk to. Maybe i'm not supposed to have a tight close knit of friends and i'm slowly thinking i'm okay with the idea. </div><div><br /></div><div>Well we will see what happens in the next week or so. ~</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-65357013980125283932010-04-01T20:22:00.000-07:002010-04-01T20:27:04.163-07:00Shit.Well as soon as things look good, it goes bad.<div><br /></div><div>I had a good day, starting out. I got to talk to Matt all day and then I went to get my hair cut and stuff. So I was satisfied. But I guess I spoke to soon in my last post. </div><div><br /></div><div>Nothing really ever seems to go my way, I need to stop planning every detail. I mean really, every time I do, it somehow gets fucked up. I thought I had bought my plane ticket and everything was peachy, I come home to find out that my card was declined for the purchase of the ticket. Thus, I was very up set, traumatized and constantly thinking of what I was going to do. I was about to head in to a deep depression and just close my self off from the world but luckily, we have a new plan. An even better plan, might I add. </div><div><br /></div><div>I pushed my trip back and now am going to leave May 8th. And instead of staying one week, i'll stay two. :D </div><div><br /></div><div>This should work, god I hope it works.</div><div>Just let this go right. Let it go right, please. </div><div>I don't know who i'm begging in this, to make it go right, but i'll beg to anyone and anything that will grant this wish, this dream, this goal.</div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-67763332412775706692010-03-31T20:57:00.000-07:002010-03-31T21:07:50.043-07:00Getting better...slowly.Well from my last rant, I will make this one a happier post.<div><br /></div><div>I bought my ticket for Michigan today and i'm excited about that.</div><div>Another thing is that Hayley and I are now going on a diet and going to go jogging everyday as well as do crunches and stretches. Working out has always helped my mood. I also found out that they way you look when you turn 22, for a woman, your body will always try to go back to looking that way until you of course get to too old. It is a proven fact though unless you just let your self go completely. Which I will not.</div><div><br /></div><div>I truly love the feeling of working out though, you have more confidence and love yourself more. This is such a good thing. I have three weeks left to get to how I want to look, though that won't happen, i'm still going to try everything in my power to do so. </div><div><br /></div><div>My work starts back up on Monday and i'm happy about that. I need to be making money. I always end up having money problems, it is ridiculous and depressing. I really need to get a second job or find a different job, which i'll do when I come back from my trip. This job does make me go insane though. I love the people I work with but my supervisor just doesn't have his shit together and it is a disgrace.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, on different note, my birthday is on Tuesday. I'm not going to do anything though. Which is fine with me but my friends are still bitching about it. I'm just turning 20, okay? It is not a big deal, look forward to me turning 21 next year. Party in Vegas.</div><div><br /></div><div>Well thats all for now. I guess. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7216538220889253197.post-3211331337938508102010-03-27T19:40:00.000-07:002010-03-27T20:03:14.444-07:00Please...Please...Just...Please...This is my first blog ever.<br />Before I used to just write occasionally on Microsoft but I've decided this is a better way to keep track of the things that have happened, are happening and are going to happen.<br /><br />First off, my birthday is coming up..on April 6th and my friends are slightly upset that i'm not really caring about it. I don't think of it as a big deal because every single birthday i've ever had, in my entire life, has made me either, upset, angry, or just all around depressed. Making me hate everything. So truthfully, I just want a nice dinner and not have to pay for everyone's meals this year like I had to last year. That's what I got for hanging out with a bunch of worthless stoners.<br /><br />Now hold on, when I say worthless stoner's, I mean the ones that pawn shit to get money just so they don't have to work, steal stuff from their friends then go pawn it, steal shit from their family's etc. Lazy good for nothing, immature pieces of shit that I'm glad I got away from.<br /><br />The bright light in my life at the moment is a man that pretty much smacked me dead in my tracks and popped ou<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09LBcVK-Jw7uaWLsmFGwoCyYBqsLyci2tKn3mNih3so3yC-vEe_VpO_9s0DXELtMPrd-2LzdZP81wZAGLbsYJf_wY28Y7Hgqnm-ZY7fpfF7e5wz9QEy1xSJ6v6rMlpE_GVs9yl4DfbQ/s1600/Signs.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi09LBcVK-Jw7uaWLsmFGwoCyYBqsLyci2tKn3mNih3so3yC-vEe_VpO_9s0DXELtMPrd-2LzdZP81wZAGLbsYJf_wY28Y7Hgqnm-ZY7fpfF7e5wz9QEy1xSJ6v6rMlpE_GVs9yl4DfbQ/s320/Signs.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5453511371431804642" border="0" /></a>t of no where. <span style="font-style: italic;">[The man in that picture]</span><br />I still believe this is a dream that I am going to see him in about 27 days. I'm a nervous wreck about it and even more worried that I won't have any money to pay for anything up there, considering i'm buying my ticket kind of late and I just know the price is going to jump...I worry to much and that is one of those good but also bad quality's. I'm sure it drives him nuts but really and honesty he is quite like me and helps me stay happy and sane. Considering with the way my job is..., 32 hours in three days, can slowly make me go insane but this gorgeous unbelievable man seems to keep me going, my motivation. When I ponder it more I still can't believe it, I can't believe he wants to meet me.<br /><br />I am usually a woman with a sunny disposition on everything when I am around people and my friends like to have me around for that but sadly for them, I am wanting to get out of Texas, I need to leave, I want to leave and I will. Not right away but with in a year, I will be gone...hopefully. I don't have many friends left that I hang out with, only a select few and right now for the first time, a guy named Chris, aka Jov, flied down here to see Jess and me. Though, I am feeling like a third wheel because they just connect more, I guess. You know, i'm not really sure what to think of my life here anymore. I mean, I love Texas, with all my heart and will always come back to it, but now that i'm reaching 20 years old, I need to move away, make new friends, find a man that loves me for me and for my flaws, find pure happiness and make right choices and just do what I want to do.<br /><br />...I just don't know where to go from here....<br />I feel like I might be putting to much dreaming and hoping that things will go well with this man. ...Eh, I'm going to call him by his name, Matt. Matt seems like he wants me to come move up there and god how I wish I could. I need change, I need something new, I need an adventure and he just seems like the man I'd want to do that change and adventure with. However, like I was saying, my self-conscious mind takes over and tells me he is way to good for me, that he won't like me, etc. It is annoying and a constant battle I need to snap myself out of.<br /><br />Again, I just don't know anymore...I'm slowly starting to break, I need to get away...I have to go see Matt, I have to or I don't know what will happen. My job is breaking me, depression that I live in the same city I was born in, it is enough to drive a woman mad, so please, I hope for once in my life...things go right...that things go the way I want them to go...not forced, but really happen just connect smoothly and it all be simple and wonderful....please...please.....just please...Paradox Queenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12256397195523448605noreply@blogger.com0