Life is just slapping me in the face. BRING IT.

As I sit here at my desk i'm currently having 'girl time' by myself. Doing my make-up, hair, making sure I look flawless. Why you ask? Though i'm not going to or trying to impress anyone, it makes me feel better, raises my confidence, and ego-BOOST if you will.

I forgot to mention, My middle oldest sister, Amanda, who got married at 22 and is now 25 years old, is finally pregnant! The child is due May 27th. I am over whelmed with excitement for this, I will finally by an Aunt and I can't wait to spoil that kid and be known as the 'cool' aunt. The Aunt the child can call if they end up in jail or has a problem and instead of contacting the parents first in fear of being torn a part mentally, I could be there and help them. Form a bond of trust and make this so-called 'family' an actual family, slowly but surely. When I say 'so-called family' I am speaking of my entire family. We have never been close since the divorce between my parents happened when I was 10, even before that it was still a little shaky and no one was really understanding or there for you with a level head when you needed it.

That is the first slap, that I will be an Auntie.

The next slap in the face is that I haven't quit smoking cigarettes yet. I'm trying so hard but it is mind boggling how much i'm actually addicted to these cancer sticks, though I have been smoking for 5 years straight.

The final slap is that NOW, my temp job at AIS has ended...so I am jobless again. Hopefully on Monday they can find me another job quickly. There is so much I need to buy before I can go see my Love, Matt, for New Years. I mean, I only own 3 long sleeve shirts, a few jackets but no coats, not shoes for snow and Michigan has tons of snow. So even if I can afford my 150 dollar ticket, I won't be able to go unless I can buy the right clothes. It has stressed me out beyond belief. Like my heart needs any more stress, but fine, i'll be okay, i'll figure something out to this life that keeps smacking me in the face. I always do. So Bring it on life, i'm ready to jump back in to your game of tragedy and heart ache..but what comes from tragedy, can be always be something amazing and astonishing.

Things are looking up.

Well it has been quite sometime blog.

I finally have a job doing data entry. It is a long and boring job but it pays well and at least I don't have to deal with customers! :D I'm happy again, or let my re-phrase that, i'm CONTENT. I have the next year planned out and it is looking to be great. This New Years, if everything goes right, i'll be with my love in Michigan for two to three weeks. Then, when I return to Texas, i'll enroll in college and it will take me 9 months be come a medical assistant. Once I get my career on the roll i'll save up and then move to Michigan and work up there, to finally be closer to my dream come true man. Then and only then, will I be truly happy with my life.

He really does mean everything to me. I've never felt such happiness and this new found feeling of "true love" with someone before, I can honestly say that true love is real.

Just say it.

So, I haven't written in a while, I know.

To the people that skim across my blog, I apologize for the depressing mess of posts below this one but I want to be honest, so therefore, I was and will continue to be.

The past week i've been excited about this one job that I have came in to, but now, this week, i'm desperately trying to find a different job. The job I have is only going to give me, MAYBE, 8 hours a WEEK. Um, excuse me, but that is a waste of my time and my energy for 80 bucks a week. I am supposed to go in on Sunday, aka Halloween for two hours, so I am trying to get a different job before then. On top of that, their strict 'clothes' policy is hard to follow because I don't own a plain white button down collared shirt and I can't find any of those shirts, anywhere. It is frustrating to me. The only reason I am getting a job or frantically searching for one is because I desperately want to go see my Matt for New Years Eve and finally have a New Years Eve kiss from a person I love with my mind, heart, and spirit.

Moving on to a better, less - stressful note. I have been doing amazing with controlling my depression and anxiety. Also, i'm smoking less cigarettes and should be quitting completely soon. Which I am excited about because I want to be healthy and be around for years to come. Also, my face will stay pretty. :D

Yeah, I know that sounds conceded but you have to have some confidence in your looks or no one will see the true beauty you have. Confidence in a person makes them attractive. It is a FACT.

Well i'm done for now. ~~~

So let's see...

So i'm trying to focus, so as I was sitting alone tonight I realized what is really wrong with me. I have separation anxiety and fear of failing. It causes me to be an insomniac and is having my moods come crashing down when i'm not talking to someone or when i'm alone. Though, I've started to have a fear of getting a job. It is strange and I hate it, its not like me so i'm trying to think positive. I have to, I need to stay focused on my goals ahead in life and I want to make my love proud. Not annoyed.

Anyways, on a better note, I caught up on my shows today. :]

Which I love watching my shows, I would tell you all of them but there are to many. Also, i'm listening to the music video channel...why is it I can't really understand Jamaicans? In Rap music, unless they are actually singing. Haha well I don't have much to report on and this is just a boring post tonight but I felt I had to write.

So until later ~~~

Okay, LETS DO THIS.

Alright, i've finally stepped back and had a chance to talk to a few of my friends who understand me completely. Today is the first day that i've not cried, not just sat in bed. I think my depression streak of the year is gone. Thank you to Raquel especially who understands I go through this at least once a year and always is so positive and happy for me, as I am for her. With just coming over and talking to me yesterday, helped me extremely.

Today I went out and got applications to places and also applied online to some places. I'm in a focused phase now to get a job, work my ass off and set up my college for the spring. What also helped was Matt has been talking to me once a day, even if its just a "hey whats up gorgeous?" Of course I am the one that calls him, but at least he picks up.

I have healthy weight loss shakes now and also i'm taking a supplement called "Super B-Complex". Its to help "Energy Metabolism" aka it is naturally supposed to help my depression. I took one today and it made me feel better, also because i've made a plan/goal. Wanna hear it? Well here it goes...

In the next few weeks i'll get a job and set up my college. Like a good girl should. Once I have that settled i'll bust ass at the job and save up as much as I can and after Christmas, i'll fly up to see Matt for a few weeks before School starts. Seeing him will give me that motivation to do my best in school because he brings the best out in me and I like to think I bring the best out in him, or so his friends have told me constantly when I was there for the summer.

If I keep my head on straight and focused, I should be successful at this.

Even if he doesn't come down the first week in December, i'll understand because he really does have money trouble until February. Besides, that just means i'll make him come see me on my 21st birthday in April. Or on his birthday in March for spring break. Ha. I'm content for now, also i'm trying to quit smoking. But with this new found motivation, I think I can do this. All of it. If I don't, I don't know what will happen.

I want to touch him again, I want his lips on mine, I want his body against mine, I want his rants about life to ring through my ears again, that want and desire and passion and longing is what drives me for now.

Until the next post ~~~

It's becoming more clear...

All of today I was in depression mode. I weighed myself and it was at 109 lbs. I went from 115 to 109 with out barely any food. Now I just need to work out so that my body doesn't collapse on me. However, I'm still stressed to the max but i'm slowly becoming myself again.

I took a long hot bath to clear my head and think about everything and I've finally realized that i just need to do what I need to do. Work until i'm able to go to college and finally have my life organized. Which I will do. Matt will either follow by my side or he will continue to show lack of interest in communicating with me when we are apart. Its time to focus on me for the moment though this is hard with my depression but i'm trying to think positive again, trying to bring my old self back and show everyone that the 'real' Amber is still here and as positive and happy to help in any way I can. Its how I survive. I guess I just got depressed because I want him to be by my side, I see other couples all the time, on facebook, on the streets, on TV, and I just wish for once I could have a relationship that is equal in the way they love each other and obsess over each other. He is my world but he hasn't really acknowledge that I am his.

Either way I want him, I want him in my life and future and i'll do anything I have to do to achieve that. Until he gets annoyed with me but Amber's back...i'll go to work tomorrow with a smile on my face and continue the next couple of months putting things in order. When I think positive, things that make me happy happen. So i'm forcing myself out there, to be a positive thinker.

Until tomorrow ~~~

Time to blurr my reality once again.

Well here I am, waiting for a call that I highly doubt will come. I wrote my heart out on a letter to my love and sent it a few days ago. He should have it today, I just want him to tell me he got it. Thats all. its 10:21 where he is now so I figure i'll call him at 11 if he hasn't called by then.

The picture I took today of me smoking is the beginning of my night tonight. I've poured another glass of some rum and coke and am thinking of downing some pills again. But i'm writing this first before I become unable to type correctly. I know these posts recently have been depressing but that is what i've been, depressed and everyone knows it. My own mother told me today that something was wrong with me, that a light in my eyes was out and that there must be something really wrong with me. Which she is right. Just look at the picture above. There is something broken and off in my eyes.

My friend talked to me tonight and is trying to help me out with my situation. She made me feel a little better but all in all, i'm scared. I'm scared shit-less. I don't want to loose him. I fear I might soon...

Anyways, I came up with a plan for now. I'll work until he visits in December and get my college set up. Then i'll work my ass off in college for the spring semester and then with the money left over from student loans and financial aid i'll go live with him for the summer then come back for the fall semester. If only time would hurry...because I think I might need physiological help before I take a BIG turn for the worse. I don't know why i'm this way or acting this way, never in my life have I acted this way...I really wish someone could help me and find out the medical term for what the fuck my brain is making me do to my body and emotions and just help me.

Until tomorrow ~~~