Fall Is Here

Fall Is Here
Another Day.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The future is fuzzy but the past is so clear.

Hello again, my blog.

It has been a while. I met the love of my life, Matt and it all went well. I ended up staying in Michigan for two months instead of two weeks. It was fantastic, until the end. I didn't want to leave him and I still regret coming back to Texas, away from the man that has my heart and head. The one that makes everything better.

I only came back home because I was offered a good job deal. Once I came back, that failed. Now, I still have no job and am desperately filling out applications and going to interviews. I have an interview tomorrow at a clothes retail store and I should get the job, I better get the job. It seems when I have the next few years of my life planned out, it always gets fucked up. Such a fucking spiral.

I want this job so that I can get Matt to visit me here in Texas for a week, even if I have to pay for half his plane ticket. He has a free place to stay and he said he's all for it and I hope that true. Its hard being away from him, from a person I never got annoyed with and never could stop loving or looking at him.

I'll start college in the spring, aka January. Towards becoming an Ultrasound Technician. It should only take two years if I go full time. I want to bust through this college and training so that in the end I can finally live in the same city as my love. I feel a little crazy for being this obsessed but I have never met a man like him in my life and he is my everything. I would do anything for him. Maybe I shouldn't have him have so much lee-way with me but I just can't help it. I don't want to loose him. I don't want to be dumped, I want to slowly start my life and I feel my instincts saying to me to never let him go.

I just wish I could win or whine up with loads of cash and everything work its course. I keep asking for a sign and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I just need to just keep pushing on, making money, continuing to bother Matt with my calls and texts and facebook status's.
There is a fear in me that I may be driving him away...always a fear he will disappear...maybe I am looking in to this to much, I should stop and relax. He says he loves me and will "Always Love" me. I have to trust him and take his words to heart. Therefore, I can be better, motivated, and just stay positive that he will always be there for me, just like i'll always be there for him.

Now to my friends. Jessica and I have become good friends again but she lives in San Marcos which is a 30 minute drive away. Rocki and me talk off and on and see each other occasionally and well Hayley has her own problems and goes to bars and there was also drama at her house considering me , david, josie, and other people. I don't deal with drama and its just sad.

I have no one except my own mother to talk to. I don't want to make new friends because they always drag me down and I always play 'momma' because I care to much for people and have to help. Maybe it is better just having Matt and some of my family to talk to. Maybe i'm not supposed to have a tight close knit of friends and i'm slowly thinking i'm okay with the idea.

Well we will see what happens in the next week or so. ~

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