Just say it.

So, I haven't written in a while, I know.

To the people that skim across my blog, I apologize for the depressing mess of posts below this one but I want to be honest, so therefore, I was and will continue to be.

The past week i've been excited about this one job that I have came in to, but now, this week, i'm desperately trying to find a different job. The job I have is only going to give me, MAYBE, 8 hours a WEEK. Um, excuse me, but that is a waste of my time and my energy for 80 bucks a week. I am supposed to go in on Sunday, aka Halloween for two hours, so I am trying to get a different job before then. On top of that, their strict 'clothes' policy is hard to follow because I don't own a plain white button down collared shirt and I can't find any of those shirts, anywhere. It is frustrating to me. The only reason I am getting a job or frantically searching for one is because I desperately want to go see my Matt for New Years Eve and finally have a New Years Eve kiss from a person I love with my mind, heart, and spirit.

Moving on to a better, less - stressful note. I have been doing amazing with controlling my depression and anxiety. Also, i'm smoking less cigarettes and should be quitting completely soon. Which I am excited about because I want to be healthy and be around for years to come. Also, my face will stay pretty. :D

Yeah, I know that sounds conceded but you have to have some confidence in your looks or no one will see the true beauty you have. Confidence in a person makes them attractive. It is a FACT.

Well i'm done for now. ~~~

So let's see...

So i'm trying to focus, so as I was sitting alone tonight I realized what is really wrong with me. I have separation anxiety and fear of failing. It causes me to be an insomniac and is having my moods come crashing down when i'm not talking to someone or when i'm alone. Though, I've started to have a fear of getting a job. It is strange and I hate it, its not like me so i'm trying to think positive. I have to, I need to stay focused on my goals ahead in life and I want to make my love proud. Not annoyed.

Anyways, on a better note, I caught up on my shows today. :]

Which I love watching my shows, I would tell you all of them but there are to many. Also, i'm listening to the music video channel...why is it I can't really understand Jamaicans? In Rap music, unless they are actually singing. Haha well I don't have much to report on and this is just a boring post tonight but I felt I had to write.

So until later ~~~

Okay, LETS DO THIS.

Alright, i've finally stepped back and had a chance to talk to a few of my friends who understand me completely. Today is the first day that i've not cried, not just sat in bed. I think my depression streak of the year is gone. Thank you to Raquel especially who understands I go through this at least once a year and always is so positive and happy for me, as I am for her. With just coming over and talking to me yesterday, helped me extremely.

Today I went out and got applications to places and also applied online to some places. I'm in a focused phase now to get a job, work my ass off and set up my college for the spring. What also helped was Matt has been talking to me once a day, even if its just a "hey whats up gorgeous?" Of course I am the one that calls him, but at least he picks up.

I have healthy weight loss shakes now and also i'm taking a supplement called "Super B-Complex". Its to help "Energy Metabolism" aka it is naturally supposed to help my depression. I took one today and it made me feel better, also because i've made a plan/goal. Wanna hear it? Well here it goes...

In the next few weeks i'll get a job and set up my college. Like a good girl should. Once I have that settled i'll bust ass at the job and save up as much as I can and after Christmas, i'll fly up to see Matt for a few weeks before School starts. Seeing him will give me that motivation to do my best in school because he brings the best out in me and I like to think I bring the best out in him, or so his friends have told me constantly when I was there for the summer.

If I keep my head on straight and focused, I should be successful at this.

Even if he doesn't come down the first week in December, i'll understand because he really does have money trouble until February. Besides, that just means i'll make him come see me on my 21st birthday in April. Or on his birthday in March for spring break. Ha. I'm content for now, also i'm trying to quit smoking. But with this new found motivation, I think I can do this. All of it. If I don't, I don't know what will happen.

I want to touch him again, I want his lips on mine, I want his body against mine, I want his rants about life to ring through my ears again, that want and desire and passion and longing is what drives me for now.

Until the next post ~~~

It's becoming more clear...

All of today I was in depression mode. I weighed myself and it was at 109 lbs. I went from 115 to 109 with out barely any food. Now I just need to work out so that my body doesn't collapse on me. However, I'm still stressed to the max but i'm slowly becoming myself again.

I took a long hot bath to clear my head and think about everything and I've finally realized that i just need to do what I need to do. Work until i'm able to go to college and finally have my life organized. Which I will do. Matt will either follow by my side or he will continue to show lack of interest in communicating with me when we are apart. Its time to focus on me for the moment though this is hard with my depression but i'm trying to think positive again, trying to bring my old self back and show everyone that the 'real' Amber is still here and as positive and happy to help in any way I can. Its how I survive. I guess I just got depressed because I want him to be by my side, I see other couples all the time, on facebook, on the streets, on TV, and I just wish for once I could have a relationship that is equal in the way they love each other and obsess over each other. He is my world but he hasn't really acknowledge that I am his.

Either way I want him, I want him in my life and future and i'll do anything I have to do to achieve that. Until he gets annoyed with me but Amber's back...i'll go to work tomorrow with a smile on my face and continue the next couple of months putting things in order. When I think positive, things that make me happy happen. So i'm forcing myself out there, to be a positive thinker.

Until tomorrow ~~~

Time to blurr my reality once again.

Well here I am, waiting for a call that I highly doubt will come. I wrote my heart out on a letter to my love and sent it a few days ago. He should have it today, I just want him to tell me he got it. Thats all. its 10:21 where he is now so I figure i'll call him at 11 if he hasn't called by then.

The picture I took today of me smoking is the beginning of my night tonight. I've poured another glass of some rum and coke and am thinking of downing some pills again. But i'm writing this first before I become unable to type correctly. I know these posts recently have been depressing but that is what i've been, depressed and everyone knows it. My own mother told me today that something was wrong with me, that a light in my eyes was out and that there must be something really wrong with me. Which she is right. Just look at the picture above. There is something broken and off in my eyes.

My friend talked to me tonight and is trying to help me out with my situation. She made me feel a little better but all in all, i'm scared. I'm scared shit-less. I don't want to loose him. I fear I might soon...

Anyways, I came up with a plan for now. I'll work until he visits in December and get my college set up. Then i'll work my ass off in college for the spring semester and then with the money left over from student loans and financial aid i'll go live with him for the summer then come back for the fall semester. If only time would hurry...because I think I might need physiological help before I take a BIG turn for the worse. I don't know why i'm this way or acting this way, never in my life have I acted this way...I really wish someone could help me and find out the medical term for what the fuck my brain is making me do to my body and emotions and just help me.

Until tomorrow ~~~

I feel like i'm getting weaker...and weaker...

All i've been doing the past few weeks wrapping my emotions up in to alcohol and anxiety pills. Its my coping mechanism for the lack of communication the love of my life has for me. Tonight, I haven't taken any pills or drank yet. On top of that I have barely eaten anything in about a week or two. I feel so weak..I know its my own fault for not eating but I feel like an option in his life, not a priority and I want a loving relationship where he is my priority and I am his.

I just don't know what to do or say. He listen's only when we are face to face and that won't happen again until December...hopefully. I am finding myself not able to sleep with out drinking alcohol and taking those pills..so on top of everything I think my body is slowly dieing but the odd thing is..i'm very content with that.

See I have no fear of death, I just fear the way I will come to death.

I'm trying to wrap my head around my loneliness and how a long distance relationship can work, since I have seen it work time and time again with others. Why is mine so different? I've come to the conclusion that the 'man' I love has not yet become a man and still is in the teen boy phase. He blames bills and money issues but that has nothing to do with communication. There is always a phone and a number and someone to answer. I haven't really ranted or told anybody all of this because then people around me might start to worry and I can't have anyone worry about me. Its my job to worry about others, or so my instincts tell me.

I don't think this man knows how much I love him and I doubt he will ever read this, nay, I doubt anyone will ever read this who actually knows me so i'm not scared to write it on here.

I'll just keep to this blog but in the real world, i'll keep to myself..I can't stop smoking, drinking, pills, not eating, but i'll continue all of this and still go to work until my body just finally gives out...thats my plan. I can't live when I know the love of my life only thinks of my as an option because I live so far away, but I don't want to break up with him [And I would die if he broke up with me] because I want him as mine and he will continue to be mine so long as he will have me....its such a complicated mess...that my mind and body can not overcome with out him by my side....

until tomorrow ~~~~

Another sleepless night..

So i'm currently sitting at Jessica's parents house out in the middle of no where with Jessica. We are drinkin alcoholic beverages and taking pictures, our favorite past time. In fact, I've been drinking every night for the past two weeks. For some reason I have not been able to sleep. I've had to even take night cold medicine just to sleep.

Anyways, earlier today I had my first day of work. I won't tell you where but its a clothing store. Just normal boring same old things and i'm only working part time. Though to tell you the truth i'm only working there so I can afford to have Matt come down to see me. I miss him terribly. Maybe thats why I can't sleep? Who knows.

The day has seemed to drag on forever and i'm a little tipsy at the moment. Jessica is on the laptop next to me, uploading video's and pictures we just took. I got to talk to my love on the phone for a little bit...actually i'm supposed to call him back right now....HOLD THE PRESSES.

Okay so I just called him. He was extremely sleepy so we didn't talk for that long though there is a question i've been dyeing to ask him. That question was "What do you want? Between us I mean. In the long run, in the now, what do you want?" Thats what I want to ask and I want a true response. Because sometimes I feel like i'm out of the loop with him because he is so far away. About 2,000 miles away to be more exact. It makes me want to cry because I don't know what he wants...I know what I want. I want him, I want to see him every few months and then one day move up there and be closer to him. I mean i'm going to college for him to start my career, so that I can be there for him. I know he needs and I hope he wants me....i'm just so exhausted not knowing what he wants..

Anyways, thats all I want to type for now.

Just another day...

Today I went to an interview and ended up getting the job. Which is great, but I have no life. This new job is my life and my off time is going to be reading books and sitting here writing blogs.

I'm upset at the fact that my own love, my own boyfriend doesn't ever call me. So I have decided not to call him until he calls me or until I get my cell phone turned back on. He is my only friend, my best friend that I can talk to and yet, he isn't here. Its killing me inside. But thats who he is and I love him anyway....even though I cry often at night because he doesn't make any effort to make sure i'm okay or whatever..so i'm just going to stop posting on facebook and see if he reaches out to me. It seems i'm the one that has to start the conversation and I don't find it fair. My heart and soul is not complete with out him.

I sometimes just want to disappear and die. However, I think everyone has those thoughts and never act on them. However, i'm seriously considering it.

For now, I must push on...

The future is fuzzy but the past is so clear.

Hello again, my blog.

It has been a while. I met the love of my life, Matt and it all went well. I ended up staying in Michigan for two months instead of two weeks. It was fantastic, until the end. I didn't want to leave him and I still regret coming back to Texas, away from the man that has my heart and head. The one that makes everything better.

I only came back home because I was offered a good job deal. Once I came back, that failed. Now, I still have no job and am desperately filling out applications and going to interviews. I have an interview tomorrow at a clothes retail store and I should get the job, I better get the job. It seems when I have the next few years of my life planned out, it always gets fucked up. Such a fucking spiral.

I want this job so that I can get Matt to visit me here in Texas for a week, even if I have to pay for half his plane ticket. He has a free place to stay and he said he's all for it and I hope that true. Its hard being away from him, from a person I never got annoyed with and never could stop loving or looking at him.

I'll start college in the spring, aka January. Towards becoming an Ultrasound Technician. It should only take two years if I go full time. I want to bust through this college and training so that in the end I can finally live in the same city as my love. I feel a little crazy for being this obsessed but I have never met a man like him in my life and he is my everything. I would do anything for him. Maybe I shouldn't have him have so much lee-way with me but I just can't help it. I don't want to loose him. I don't want to be dumped, I want to slowly start my life and I feel my instincts saying to me to never let him go.

I just wish I could win or whine up with loads of cash and everything work its course. I keep asking for a sign and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I guess I just need to just keep pushing on, making money, continuing to bother Matt with my calls and texts and facebook status's.

There is a fear in me that I may be driving him away...always a fear he will disappear...maybe I am looking in to this to much, I should stop and relax. He says he loves me and will "Always Love" me. I have to trust him and take his words to heart. Therefore, I can be better, motivated, and just stay positive that he will always be there for me, just like i'll always be there for him.

Now to my friends. Jessica and I have become good friends again but she lives in San Marcos which is a 30 minute drive away. Rocki and me talk off and on and see each other occasionally and well Hayley has her own problems and goes to bars and there was also drama at her house considering me , david, josie, and other people. I don't deal with drama and its just sad.

I have no one except my own mother to talk to. I don't want to make new friends because they always drag me down and I always play 'momma' because I care to much for people and have to help. Maybe it is better just having Matt and some of my family to talk to. Maybe i'm not supposed to have a tight close knit of friends and i'm slowly thinking i'm okay with the idea.

Well we will see what happens in the next week or so. ~