Well here I am, waiting for a call that I highly doubt will come. I wrote my heart out on a letter to my love and sent it a few days ago. He should have it today, I just want him to tell me he got it. Thats all. its 10:21 where he is now so I figure i'll call him at 11 if he hasn't called by then.
The picture I took today of me smoking is the beginning of my night tonight. I've poured another glass of some rum and coke and am thinking of downing some pills again. But i'm writing this first before I become unable to type correctly. I know these posts recently have been depressing but that is what i've been, depressed and everyone knows it. My own mother told me today that something was wrong with me, that a light in my eyes was out and that there must be something really wrong with me. Which she is right. Just look at the picture above. There is something broken and off in my eyes.
My friend talked to me tonight and is trying to help me out with my situation. She made me feel a little better but all in all, i'm scared. I'm scared shit-less. I don't want to loose him. I fear I might soon...
Anyways, I came up with a plan for now. I'll work until he visits in December and get my college set up. Then i'll work my ass off in college for the spring semester and then with the money left over from student loans and financial aid i'll go live with him for the summer then come back for the fall semester. If only time would hurry...because I think I might need physiological help before I take a BIG turn for the worse. I don't know why i'm this way or acting this way, never in my life have I acted this way...I really wish someone could help me and find out the medical term for what the fuck my brain is making me do to my body and emotions and just help me.
Until tomorrow ~~~