Okay, LETS DO THIS.

Alright, i've finally stepped back and had a chance to talk to a few of my friends who understand me completely. Today is the first day that i've not cried, not just sat in bed. I think my depression streak of the year is gone. Thank you to Raquel especially who understands I go through this at least once a year and always is so positive and happy for me, as I am for her. With just coming over and talking to me yesterday, helped me extremely.

Today I went out and got applications to places and also applied online to some places. I'm in a focused phase now to get a job, work my ass off and set up my college for the spring. What also helped was Matt has been talking to me once a day, even if its just a "hey whats up gorgeous?" Of course I am the one that calls him, but at least he picks up.

I have healthy weight loss shakes now and also i'm taking a supplement called "Super B-Complex". Its to help "Energy Metabolism" aka it is naturally supposed to help my depression. I took one today and it made me feel better, also because i've made a plan/goal. Wanna hear it? Well here it goes...

In the next few weeks i'll get a job and set up my college. Like a good girl should. Once I have that settled i'll bust ass at the job and save up as much as I can and after Christmas, i'll fly up to see Matt for a few weeks before School starts. Seeing him will give me that motivation to do my best in school because he brings the best out in me and I like to think I bring the best out in him, or so his friends have told me constantly when I was there for the summer.

If I keep my head on straight and focused, I should be successful at this.

Even if he doesn't come down the first week in December, i'll understand because he really does have money trouble until February. Besides, that just means i'll make him come see me on my 21st birthday in April. Or on his birthday in March for spring break. Ha. I'm content for now, also i'm trying to quit smoking. But with this new found motivation, I think I can do this. All of it. If I don't, I don't know what will happen.

I want to touch him again, I want his lips on mine, I want his body against mine, I want his rants about life to ring through my ears again, that want and desire and passion and longing is what drives me for now.

Until the next post ~~~