Before I used to just write occasionally on Microsoft but I've decided this is a better way to keep track of the things that have happened, are happening and are going to happen.
First off, my birthday is coming up..on April 6th and my friends are slightly upset that i'm not really caring about it. I don't think of it as a big deal because every single birthday i've ever had, in my entire life, has made me either, upset, angry, or just all around depressed. Making me hate everything. So truthfully, I just want a nice dinner and not have to pay for everyone's meals this year like I had to last year. That's what I got for hanging out with a bunch of worthless stoners.
Now hold on, when I say worthless stoner's, I mean the ones that pawn shit to get money just so they don't have to work, steal stuff from their friends then go pawn it, steal shit from their family's etc. Lazy good for nothing, immature pieces of shit that I'm glad I got away from.
The bright light in my life at the moment is a man that pretty much smacked me dead in my tracks and popped ou
t of no where. [The man in that picture]I still believe this is a dream that I am going to see him in about 27 days. I'm a nervous wreck about it and even more worried that I won't have any money to pay for anything up there, considering i'm buying my ticket kind of late and I just know the price is going to jump...I worry to much and that is one of those good but also bad quality's. I'm sure it drives him nuts but really and honesty he is quite like me and helps me stay happy and sane. Considering with the way my job is..., 32 hours in three days, can slowly make me go insane but this gorgeous unbelievable man seems to keep me going, my motivation. When I ponder it more I still can't believe it, I can't believe he wants to meet me.
I am usually a woman with a sunny disposition on everything when I am around people and my friends like to have me around for that but sadly for them, I am wanting to get out of Texas, I need to leave, I want to leave and I will. Not right away but with in a year, I will be gone...hopefully. I don't have many friends left that I hang out with, only a select few and right now for the first time, a guy named Chris, aka Jov, flied down here to see Jess and me. Though, I am feeling like a third wheel because they just connect more, I guess. You know, i'm not really sure what to think of my life here anymore. I mean, I love Texas, with all my heart and will always come back to it, but now that i'm reaching 20 years old, I need to move away, make new friends, find a man that loves me for me and for my flaws, find pure happiness and make right choices and just do what I want to do.
...I just don't know where to go from here....
I feel like I might be putting to much dreaming and hoping that things will go well with this man. ...Eh, I'm going to call him by his name, Matt. Matt seems like he wants me to come move up there and god how I wish I could. I need change, I need something new, I need an adventure and he just seems like the man I'd want to do that change and adventure with. However, like I was saying, my self-conscious mind takes over and tells me he is way to good for me, that he won't like me, etc. It is annoying and a constant battle I need to snap myself out of.
Again, I just don't know anymore...I'm slowly starting to break, I need to get away...I have to go see Matt, I have to or I don't know what will happen. My job is breaking me, depression that I live in the same city I was born in, it is enough to drive a woman mad, so please, I hope for once in my life...things go right...that things go the way I want them to go...not forced, but really happen just connect smoothly and it all be simple and wonderful....please...please.....just please...
No comments:
Post a Comment