I feel like i'm getting weaker...and weaker...

All i've been doing the past few weeks wrapping my emotions up in to alcohol and anxiety pills. Its my coping mechanism for the lack of communication the love of my life has for me. Tonight, I haven't taken any pills or drank yet. On top of that I have barely eaten anything in about a week or two. I feel so weak..I know its my own fault for not eating but I feel like an option in his life, not a priority and I want a loving relationship where he is my priority and I am his.

I just don't know what to do or say. He listen's only when we are face to face and that won't happen again until December...hopefully. I am finding myself not able to sleep with out drinking alcohol and taking those pills..so on top of everything I think my body is slowly dieing but the odd thing is..i'm very content with that.

See I have no fear of death, I just fear the way I will come to death.

I'm trying to wrap my head around my loneliness and how a long distance relationship can work, since I have seen it work time and time again with others. Why is mine so different? I've come to the conclusion that the 'man' I love has not yet become a man and still is in the teen boy phase. He blames bills and money issues but that has nothing to do with communication. There is always a phone and a number and someone to answer. I haven't really ranted or told anybody all of this because then people around me might start to worry and I can't have anyone worry about me. Its my job to worry about others, or so my instincts tell me.

I don't think this man knows how much I love him and I doubt he will ever read this, nay, I doubt anyone will ever read this who actually knows me so i'm not scared to write it on here.

I'll just keep to this blog but in the real world, i'll keep to myself..I can't stop smoking, drinking, pills, not eating, but i'll continue all of this and still go to work until my body just finally gives out...thats my plan. I can't live when I know the love of my life only thinks of my as an option because I live so far away, but I don't want to break up with him [And I would die if he broke up with me] because I want him as mine and he will continue to be mine so long as he will have me....its such a complicated mess...that my mind and body can not overcome with out him by my side....

until tomorrow ~~~~